I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
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