i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
