So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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