How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
