i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
