THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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