I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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