im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Randomize
