I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
