maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize