Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
