I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize