Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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