This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
