I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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