my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
even my farts smell like vagina
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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