I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
