Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
