You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize