My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
they're like a gay fantastic four
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
