my mouth tastes like poor choices
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
