i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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