my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
