Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
