dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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