my room smells like sperm. sweet.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
