I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
