i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
