I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Too much gin, very little bucket
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
