I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
