The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
