honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize