Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Never joke about your clitoris.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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