god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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