There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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