if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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