i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
