I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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