Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
