Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Swine flu is the new snow day.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
