I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
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