We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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