Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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