This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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