Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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