those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize