i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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