he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
