Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
