i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
