I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Randomize
