Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
