There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
