you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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