my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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