I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
