Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
