He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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