i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
