if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You ruined the universe
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
