sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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