Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
