I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
