My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
